Aiight...So itz like 1:45am...I got a class @ 10am and I really cant sleep.  I got alot of thingz runnin thru my head and it all started lastnight.....I just wanna know where all these feelinz are comin from and y the hell they're here!
Lastnight....Da Ex called....YUP...Samantha....How about that one?  Kinda shocking to me cuz she aint had nothin to do wit me in THE LONGEST time.  The last time we actually talked (cant even call it that), was when her, candi, and Dani hopped in my car.  Ever since she called me lastnight I been this...SOFT ass lil thing...NOT A PERSON...YES A THING. I dunno what the hell is goin on.  Lastnight through out the whole conversation...ALICIA HEARD EVERYTHING...I NEVER let anyone hear my conversations with Sam...usually because they got somethin to do wit "OH I LOVE U...I MISS U...I WANNA GIVE US ANOTHER TRY" blah blah blah...But for the first time in a long time...I really wasnt thinkin about Sam.  I was more interested in getting back to my pool game with Princess.  I didn't even wanna be on the phone with her period but Princess insisted.  She thought it was kinda funny acutally. Anyway, itz brought these emotions toward Alicia that I HAVENT had since I been wit Sam.  Im actually wrapped up in HER and only HER. No one has been able to keep my mind and heart occupied for this long.  The funny thing is...she'z all that I wanna be wrapped up in.  I want her in my arms at night, I wanna hear her voice in the morning when I wake up, I wanna see her smile, I wanna just be able to look into her eyes.  I havent seen her since I came back to school, except in pictures and that a hell of a big difference when u consider that I was at her house EVERYDAY.  Itz something about her that unique, something that special, something wonderful.  Itz this sense of being complete with her and it scares me.  It took me 3 years and a whole lot of bitches to get ova Sam.  I even thought raising a child wit another girl would do the trick, but it hasnt. The only thing that really got me over Sam was Alicia.  Ever since I've met her my life has done nothing but get better.  Im happy, Im goin to school and actually doin work, Im not about bein a playa no more, and I honestly wasnt even into all these things with Sam. Princess brings out this side of me that I NEVER knew I had.  She makes me feel smart, she makes me feel confident, and she makes me think.  She's intriguing,  intellectual, and oh so captivating.  Her beauty is overwhelming and her personality has got to be the BEST.  I've fallen quite fast for her and I never meant for it to be this way.  I never meant to fall in love again, I said I wouldnt, I promised myself I WOULDNT, man I coulda sworn on top of a stack of bibles that I was NEVER going to fall in love again....And what happened....I HAVE.   I must admitt, this is a very wonderful place to be...This place inside her head, insider her heart, this spot within  HER world that I've made for myself.  But Im scared. Im scared because it took so long for me to get ova this one person who couldnt even begin to TOUCH Alicia, and now that Princess and I arent togetha....whatz gonna happen? Thingz could change in the blink of an eye and shit can just go bad...Yes I do think about that.  I mean, right now thingz are GREAT between us...AND I DO MEAN GREAT...I feel like her and I have started over again, like we did from day 1.  Inside my heart I swear we're getting back togetha ONE DAY....But then...my heart has been known to lead my to wrong places...Itz just that...If we only end up being friendz...thatz cool wit me because she'll still be in my life...but if her and I ONLY stay friendz...how long is it going to take me to get ova it.  But then again...I dont think it will be so bad because Alicia hasnt done me dirty, she hasnt treated me bad, in fact...she'z been quite faithful when we were togetha and shez treated me like I was a KING or something.  So I wont be so confused as to WHAT THA HELL HAPPENED if we never get back togetha because I know.  I just know that right now...my life is as good as itz gonna get because of her...Many nights I sit n wonder about us gettin back togetha and I wonder if...we'll stay togetha for a long time...maybe even forever, or we'll be togetha a year or so and then mutually break up...or whateva.  I wonder what it would be like to BE WITH HER all the time.  I wanna see the things TJ saw, I wanna experience the things that TJ experienced. I want the chance to be in her life for a long time...I want us to grow together and see things that neither of us has seen before but we have dreamt about.  I know you may think Im crazy or that Im gettin a lil ahead of myself but thatz what I do.  I think of things in the future and with Alicia..thatz all I see. I cant see myself without her whether its friendship or girlfriend/wife status that she's on.  Im just glad that she'z here...in my head, in my heart, and in MY world.  I feel like we're kinda sharing a world together...without sharing a world TOGETHER.  If I feel like that now...Whatz it gonna feel like if I do get her back.  Itz just wild the things u think when the time is right....I dunno but I hope I stay in HER world forever...Thatz all I know....

Song: Over and Over by Nelly feat. Tim McGraw

"Cause it's all in my head...I think about it....Over and over again...And I can't keep....Picturing you with him...And it hurts so bad....Cause it's all in my head...I think about it....Over and over again....I replay it....Over and over again...and I can't take it.....I can't shake it no"

Ok so yesterday her ex suprised her for lunch....SURPRISED ME TOO...lol I thought she wasnt even in MD no more...I guess I was wrong.  Well...The fact that the two of them had lunch together doesnt bother me...Shit...I have no reason to let it bother me...After all she isnt my girl (I wish she was but...SHEZ NOT).  But I got jealous because when Princess called me and told me about lunch....The HAPPINESS in her voice just absolutly crazy.  Then her blog...Well...That just topped it off.  Im jealous because I cant take her out to lunch, dinner, breakfast...I cant even bring her a fuckin slurpee and doritos no more...And even if I could...I could never make her as happy as TJ did yesterday.  That bugz tha hell outta me...I dont know why...I mean I know its stupid...but it bugs tha shit outta me.  I really shouldnt get jealous because her and TJ have shared a big part of eachother'z lives together and itz understandable for Princess to be happy.  Im glad that she'z happy...I mean...If she is happy then so am I.  Itz just that I have this thing where I like to be on top. I like to feel like Im tha best and I wanna be able to make her happy.  But I know that It wouldnt matter if I could take all the love I have for her and put it in a box with a pretty little bow, along with a million stargazer lillies, and the biggest shopping spree she could ever ask for...I still couldnt make her as happy as TJ made her in 7 yearz.  Well...Maybe...lol I dunno...But u get my point.  I could neva take her place and Im not trying to so letz not get that impression...OK?? lol Itz not even like that I think itz just that I get in my feelins because I wanna do it all...I wanna be that "private obsession" for her that I used to be. I just get a lil jealous sometimes and I know I shouldnt because she wouldnt do nothin to hurt me intentionally but I cant help it, itz just a habit. Imma gonna break outta that tho, cuz I know  I'll end up pushin her away and thatz tha last thing I wanna do....Datz my heart...Shez tha first thing I think about when I wake up, tha last thing I think about when I go to bed...and she is constantly in my head during tha day...I dont even wanna consider meeting or EVEN talking to someone else cuz cant no one be to me what she has been and I love it...I ABSOLUTLY LOVE IT...She makez me feel complete...Whole...And everything else...SO there is No need for this sense of insecurity...I think itz tha distance thatz got me trippin...I just miss bein in her presence and in her company...I'll be aiight cuz IM COMIN HOME SOON!!!!!!!!

Song: Brandy-Where You Wanna Be
"A...A

Hey I Promise In All Honesty
I Honor You, You Honor Me
For Better, Worse, Rich, Or Poor
Whatever It's Gonna Be
I'm Talkin Bout Forever More, For The Rest Of Eternity
No Need To Be Insecure
I Know What I Wanna Be
I Know I Made A Lot Of Mistakes
But I Can Make Em Up (Make Em Up)
Unless You Got Your Heart Set On Breakin Up
If I Can't See Your Face Then My Day Ain't Even Worth Wakin Up
Especially With These Haters No Put Cases, This Time Enough
Maybe Showin You Attention Is Something I Haven't Done Enough
But You Got All My Love On All Our Love
Girl, I Need You To Believe In Me
You Need To Know That I Know Where I Need To Be, A"

Well...For the last couple of dayz I've been doing alot of thinking and after reading her blog I know exactly what I want to say...Imma eventually get the courage to tell her this unless she readz this first then maybe she will come to me and ask me.  Although she shouldnt have to ask me how I feel, I would feel more comfortable if she asked cuz that way I know she'z ready to hear what I have to say.
Love has been an object in my life since I was a baby....But  it has only been in my life and in my heart ONCE since I started dating.  I mean, I loved Marcus...But I was 12/13/14 yrz old...What did I really know about LOVE.  Then came Sam.. MY FIRST LOVE....I loved that girl with everything I had...I was in love with her completely.  When she left...Thingz got really bad for me.  I convinced myself that I would never love again because I didnt want to.  The truth was...I was SCARED. Yes I was SCARED of love like Im scared of clowns, like people who suffer from arachnaphobia are scared of spiderz.  But then along came this BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, WONDERFULLY (hmmm is that a word??) AMAZING WOMAN named Alicia.  LAWD HAVE MERCY...She was and still is absolutly incredible.  In just a few short months...I realized that I LOVE HER...IM IN LOVE WITH HER....I cant help that my feelinz just exploded into this crazy experience.  There has never been a dull moment with her in my life. I've never even felt bordem even slightly setting in since I met her.  I love the fact that I've found a woman who can satisfy me emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I DO NOT care that she'z not in love with me.  That does not bother me..AT ALL. I know that my feelings grew a little quicker than they probably should have and I dont even expect her to feel the same way.  All I do want is the chance to have her in my life so that maybe one day she can feel the same way I do.  If that never happens and she leaves...I WOULDNT even be mad because atleast I know I TRIED to make her feel what I feel, and I gave her my all and she atleast TRIED to give me tha chance.  I know that I've made a few mistakes with her regarding her feelings and I know that they were the biggest mistakes I could have made.  But I've learned from them and I know that I dont  want to be without her one way or another.  We started a relationship that may have been ended but I think her and I should give it another shot to try to finish this.  Now mind u...I want of course to give it another shot when/if SHE is ready again.  I want us to have another shot so I can show her what being with me is really like.  The depths of the world that I will go just to see her smile.  She knowz that I'll do anything for her but she has yet to experience a RELATIONSHIP where I do twice as much.  She'z never gotten that chance to lay there in my arms at night and feel that security...KNOWING that Im not goin anywhere.  She'z never seen me look into her eyez and really tell her how I feel about her.  She hasnt gotten to experience my love at itz finest...And I want that.  Getting to see her smile  gives me this incredible feeling like opening that one gift at Christmas u  never thought u'd get in a million years.  Her laughter just soothes my mind and when Im around her Im relaxed....I dont have a worry in the world because when Im with her...Im safe.  All I need is one more chance...And If I fuck that up (WHICH I WONT), or she decides to leave because IM NOT what she expected or what she is looking for...Then I'll throw my handz up, walk away, and never mention it again...And I'll offer my friendship (which she will have in and out of a relationship) so that I'll still have her in my life.  I just know that tha love I feel for her is something amazing and I wont let go until she forces me too...because she'z worth more than the world itself...
I guess thatz all I can say for now....I mean...I've let my heart speak for the situation...I've let my emotions spill out into wordz on this screen...I can go on and on and on about this...But then my entry would never end.  Because what I feel for her right now has no end....It has no buts, ifs, then againz, or anything of that nature.  What I feel for her has no boundries...My love for her has no restrictions...She'z just that special 2 me....if she'z ready then so am I...and we can both take this slow journey toward what may one day be love for the both of us.  I dont want her to be scared because I wouldnt dream of hurting her and I want her to understand that I'm just as scared as she is.  I don't want my next love to turn out like my first.  I want it to be better...I want to feel equal rather than like I'm doing all the work.  I want both of us to put our emotions into it and somehow combine our emotions in to one.  I wanna hold her when she'z scared, wipe her tears away when she cries, and be there for her like Im supposed to.  Like she once said, I was her protector and provider....Just as I was that back in May....I wanna be that again just 10 times more.  When she goes to sleep at night, I dont want her to think about when love will come in her life and how it will arrive, I want her to think about how Im there now, and it dont matta how I arrived...Tha point is...IM HERE.  I wanna share my dreams, my aspirations, my fears, and my joyous moments with her.  I wanna share my heart wit her even if she isnt ready to share her's wit me because one day she will.  Im confident that I can be all she'z looking for and all she'z wanting....All I need is the chance to prove myself....

Song: Patiently Waiting-50Cent/Eminem
Tha Way I Feel: Uptempo

Aiight thingz been kinda hectic in my life lately, thingz been movin so fast that it feelz like Im in fast forward.  My mind has been going in so many different directions that its crazy. Hopefully sometime soon I'll find relief from them hustle n bustle called LIFE.

LETZ START WIT FAMILY ISSUES!!!
Just last week my aunt went in for surgery and we found out that she has cancer.  That kinda hit close to home at first and we were all kinda stunned.  I was really upset and I took it hard but her and I had this long talk and she told me that if she beat cancer once...She can do it again. So that was good reassurance that I needed.  She starts chemo in about 3 weeks because they need to give her time to heal from the surgery being as tho chemo slows down the healing process.  I wont be here when she starts chemo and that bothers me a lil bit because I know she would want me there but Imma come home every chance I get.   I've been looking out for her since she came home, doing thingz for her and making sure she'z aiight.  Tension is setting in throughout the whole family and it shows. My other aunt and grandmother got into a fight today...That made things so UNEASY around this house..but then again when my auntz home we are all uneasy.  My grandmother has been in a really crappy mood since the weekend.  I hate when she gets like that because she really isnt usually mean to me.  My one aunt does her usual bitchin and whining n moaning about everything from me, to the rest of the family, to her financial problems, to everything else.  Sometimes i just wana shoot myself in the middle of her bitching to put myself out tha misery! LOL  Today her car broke down and she asked me to take care of it....I DiD...LIKE A GOOD NIECE WOULD...But did It get me anywhere...NOPE!  I try to do what I can to help out but some how Im alwayz accused of not doing anything around here.  Itz like Im running around tryin to make everyone happy and I just cant do it.

BACK 2 SCHOOL TYME!!!!!
Well...Itz about that time....Back 2 school for me! I honestly didnt think I would end up back in school...I thought PSU was gonna drop me like I was 1980'z news.  BUT...Itz official..Imma sophomore at Penn State University. This is the year to get my shit togetha and show everyone and myself that Im not as dumb as I may seem.  I really do look forward to going back to school, especially since tha "wifey" has given me an incentive.  Her and my sister have given me madd encouragement about eduaction.  Im kinda excited to be feeling this way. I've never really been into going back to school but for some reason Im ready for this.  I really wanna do this Communications/Media studiez thing because my eyez are set on that LGBT Magazine that Im going to own at some point in the future.  So itz time to start praying for me...cuz Im on my way!

SO HOW BOUT DEM EX'z!!!!!!!!!
Aiight...So I found out that Samantha is  engaged.  I guess you could say that Im a lil upset about it but not because I want her back.  Thatz a never.  I dont want her back but I just dont understand what I did wrong.  I mean we was engaged, we was in love, we had our issues...But we not togetha now.  She left me with a broken heart, empty promises, and a lifetime of confusion.  Now she'z engaged to some 17 year old whom she'z only been with for a few months.  Im not hatin cuz Maybe Dani is a unique 17 yr old but what was I? Everyone told me i was the best thing to happen to her, including her mom.  I just cant understand what it was I did to end up like this.  I talked to her mom today, she called me out of the blue.  She asked my y I never keep in touch and I told her its because I was old news, and I didnt think they still wanted to talk to me. She said "SHIIIT UR ALWAYS GOING TO BE MY DAUGHTER" and that made me feel special, it made me feel like I made enough of an influence in Sams life, that her mom considers me a daughter.  Serena told me that she would treat me to crabs, shrimp, lobster, and all that good stuff before I left for school because she owes me from last year...I definately aint complainin on some food...But If Sam is going to be there, Im going to have to take a raincheck.  Thatz not something Im ready to deal with.

Alexicia...Well...She'z got a boyfriend...Yea A Boyfriend who she'z been wit for a while(itz not even them I care about).  I still swear that they were togetha when her and I were dating.  Come to find out she'z lettin some bitch named Mia watch my daughter, take her places, buy her thingz, ect...That really hurts me...It hurts to no end.  I love that lil girl, there isnt shit I wouldnt do for her.  Alexicia, Eric, and Mia can all go take a flying leap off of the highest mountain for all I care, because the only thing that really matters is Kiya.  Sometimes I swear that bitch is about as fucked up as they come.  She constantly getz jealous over tha "wifey", which is a major pain in my ass and I swear she'z aiight until she come out her mouth wrong about my boo...Them imma punish her ass. Not that I think she would be stupid enough to do it but if that day ever comes...She gonna see more than fuckin stars.  I just want my daughter back...Thatz all I want.

REST IN PEACE JIM!
Early Thursday evening we recieved the news that my aunt's boyfriend Jim passed away.  I've known him since I was just a lil kid and I never knew that he would mean so much to me.  That was one male figure in this life that I've met who I can honestly say, was a REAL MAN. Him and my grandfather both were something out of this world.  I only talked to him last week to tell him about my aunt's condition.  Unfortunately he was in need of a lung transplant which he never recieved on time.  There was a service for him tomorrow at A.L. Post 248 and of course my aunt and I were in attendance.  It was really nice and although my Aunt said she wouldnt cry...She did...I cant lie..So did I...But hey, atleast he is in a better place now.


AS FOR THINGS IN THE LOVE DEPT....
Well, Im still all about Alicia. There really isn't much to say about us...I mean..everything is still the same as it always is. We still have fun togetha, laugh, joke, play, watch football...ect...Thatz still the highlight of my life.  We havent really talked much the last couple of dayz.  That bothers me a lil bit but I know she is a busy woman, and she'z got a life unlike myself. I guess Imma just have to be cool wit it...U feel me?? I just feel like I be wantin to call her but then I feel like Im buggin her...I think tha last thing she wants is some broad on her dick...(Well I dont think Im just some broad but u get tha idea).  Im just tryin to chill, but I hope that I dont lose her or things between us just fade because thatz tha last thing I want.  I just dont want her to forget about me when I go to school, even tho she reassures me that she wont.  I find myself getting jealous sometimes...I dont know why...We're not togetha...Itz not like I have any reason to be jealous but I just catch myself doin it...Imma have to work on that...

Aiight well...That about does it for now...Im off to do whateva it is I do when Im bored!! lol
*~One Life One Chance One Luv~*

Song: My Immortal-Evanesance

Aiight yall...Im bouncin tha fuck up outta here for tha night...Time to hit tha sheets....Got stuff to do tomorrow...

This Goez Out 2 Her.....She Know Who She Iz.....

Aiight....Babe....4 A While Now I've Been Tryin To Think Of All The Thingz That I Want 2 Say 2 U...But unfortunately I can never find the perfect wordz for the perfect woman. I only hope you read my blog  so that u can finally see what I havent had the courage to honestly tell u!

If there were only a million wordz to tell u how I felt I would some how find a way to use a million and one.  A lil while back I told you that I had started to fall in love with you but after I said that I felt stupid because I didnt think it was true.  The truth is....I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU.  It took the last few dayz to realize that for once in my life I've felt something that I've only ever felt once...And there are other feelings and emotions that come along with you that are new to me...That is how I know what I just said to you was true.  I know that right now you are "struggling", so to speak, with your ex and your feelings, and no this entry has nothing to do with how much I want to be with you...BECAUSE although that is true...I understand the position u are in and I am in no way implying that a relationship is what Im looking for.  Sweetheart...I am happy with our "situation" that we have right now and the friendship, yet more, but not quite relationship that we share.  So many nights I have been layed out in my bed praying that I could find a way  to take away or even just ease your pain.  Although many nights I've prayed for that...I have yet to be able to do it.  All I want to do is make you smile and let you know that someone does love you for the WOMAN THAT YOU ARE and all the things you represent.  I want you to see that itz not about what you do or say, or what you dont do or say, but what I have in front of me, practically everyday, that Im able to love.   YES I KNOW THAT YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH HER....YES I KNOW THAT YOU WILL ALWAYZ LOVE HER....And Im cool with that.  The years that you 2 shared together can never be taken away, or changed, but the years ahead of you from now on, are what counts.  No I can never fill that void that she once had in your life, no I cant Be the woman that she was to you, because Im NOT her but I can create a new void in your life that hopefully no one will ever replace or be the woman to you that I was/am.  Even tho you may not think that  me being around is "FAIR", I dont care, because I do.  I dont care that there is a possiblity Im hanging around for something I may never have, because itz a risk Im willing to take.  Im here to be a FRIEND...YES I SAID IT A FRIEND! Im here to be exactly what I am to u right now, because I only wish that in the 3 years I fought withmyself, went around and around, back and fourth, and side to side with about Samantha, I had someone like you in my life to help guide me to what maybe a possible chance for happiness again.  I only want you to see that I have a heart thatz been broken before, and I only wanna help u heal your pain.  You have added to a new chapter in my life that I only wish I could have started a LONG TIME ago.  Maybe if I had started it along time ago with you, i would have saved myself and you ALOT of heartache and pain.  I am in no way, shape, or form, willing to let someone or something such as the things we share slip away.  U mean more to me than wordz could ever express and thru friendship I want to show u that.  I would give u my last of everything, my first of anything, and my only of one thing.  Yes one day I do hope to build this into another relationship but until then, I'll be happy with what I have, and what we share.  Right now u have my heart and I only hope that by reading this, you can see what my intentions really are and now u can actually know what I feel.....

Song: Alicia Keys- Aint Got U

Aiight Miss Lady...So I lied...U can read somethin about my emotions on my blog! Sorry boo..I didnt mean to lie to ya....I changed my mind & I decided to write...Tha most serious stuff is in my own personal book tho.
Lemme start by saying that YES THIS IS MY LAST ENTRY FOR A WHILE!!  Anyway, today started out as a good day and ended ok...Well not really ok.  My "wifey" broke up wit me today but atleast I left her house on good terms.  I aint gonna front, I cried like a lil bitch tha whole way home.  I know we hadnt been togetha that long, but she was my world.  She meant so much to me and she was the first woman that I had put my all into.  She still means so much to me and I really dont want things to be like this.  I want to be with her, and I wanted to let tha "brat" come out in me while I was at her house, but she said she wasnt ready for a relationship, so therefore I have to respect that decision.  I only wish I had told her how I really felt today, but itz just that I cant do it face to face.  I couldnt even look at her and Im alwayz that way.  I can never say how Im really feeling because I havent allowed to let myself do that any more.  Tha truth is, she meant so much to me, she was my reason for smiling, she had brought out the tru me, and not the front I had put on for everyone else.  She was my reason for bein who I am, and tha reason I was as happy as I was.  She was my reason for being able to say  "MY LIFE CANT GET NO BETTA".  We hadnt been togetha that long, but knowing when I woke up every morning that I had

anyone could ask for by myside, was enough to make me the happiest person anyone could ask for.  Right now, Imma struggle with this, like I have before, and Imma have to get ova it like I have before.  Tha bad part is, I dont think I will, and thatz because I dont wanna get ova it, i dont wanna say fuck it, I WANT HER.  I feel like Im lost in a world of so many different emotions, but all I really want is her.  Man she got me thru my hard time at school, she got me thru losin my daughter, and she's been there for me everytime my aunt lunched tha fuck out.  OK OK OK, So Imma have that because she is my friend....IT AINT THA SAME, and it wont be tha same.  I soooo DO NOT WANT THIS...I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS POSITION AGAIN...I DO NOT WANNA WALK AWAY FROM HER, OR FROM "US" I want to have it all and thatz just how I WANT it to be...But since It cant be that way,and wont be that way...For now...All I can do is Walk away...

Until Next Time...Keep It Real....
*~IM GHOST~*